The First Crush Is the Deepest Read online

  ‘A penny for your thoughts.’

  Sam!

  Amber whipped around on the sun-bleached tree trunk so fast that her tunic snagged. But there he was. Sam Richards. This man who had come back into her life just when she’d least expected it, and was just as capable of making her head and body spin as he had ten years earlier.

  It staggered her that one look at that tanned handsome face could send her blood racing and her senses whirled into a stomach-clenching, heart-thumping spin.

  How did he do it? How did he turn back the clock and transform her back into a schoolgirl being taken out for a pizza and a cola by the chauffeur’s son?

  But those were on dull evenings back in London. She could never have dreamt that she would be with Sam on a sandy tropical beach with the rustle of coconut palms and tropical birdsong above her head.

  Sam grinned and strolled along the sand towards her.

  He was wearing loose white cotton trousers and a pale blue linen shirt which matched the colour of his eyes to perfection. He looked so confident and in control it was ridiculous. He moved from the hips, striding forward, purposefully, with his head high. Even on a remote beach in Kerala, Sam managed to look like a journalist ready to interview a big movie star or show business personality for the next big news story.

  The Sam she was looking at belonged in the world she had left behind—the world he would be going back to in only a few hours, while she stayed behind.

  Was that why she longed to hold him closer and relive the precious moments when he had held her in his arms in the apartment? To feel the tenderness of his lips on hers for one last time before they parted?

  No—she dared not think about that! Amber smiled back and patted the log.

  ‘I’ve saved you the best seat in the house but the show has already started.’

  But when she looked up into Sam’s face as he drew closer, his ready smile seemed to fade and he stopped and shrugged, almost as if he was wondering what to say to her.

  His gaze locked onto her face and the look he gave her sent her body past the tingling stage and way over into melting.

  ‘Sorry to keep you waiting. I have just been phoning London.’

  ‘Parvita told me that you had emailed her with a few questions, even though she was on her honeymoon,’ Amber said, trying her best to appear calm and unruffled. ‘But you couldn’t promise her much in the way of publicity.’

  She peered into his face. ‘Was that what you were trying to tell me yesterday, Sam? That Frank might not want to know about two crazy women who are trying to build a music school in Kerala? Especially when you are handing over the exclusive on how brave Bambi has survived her terrible trauma of being forced to play on out of tune pianos in the back of beyond?’

  ‘Not exactly. I have just got off the phone with Frank and offered him a very interesting feature for the paper’s new current affairs magazine on how girls are still being given up by their parents in some parts of India but are now being trained to be part of the technology boom. Giving them a great education and a future. And do you know what? He loved it. Two sides of an amazing developing country. In fact he loves it so much he wants to bring it forward to next month’s magazine, complete with photographs and quotes from the lovely Parvita.’

  Amber laughed out loud and gave him a quick one-handed hug. ‘Wow. That’s amazing! Congratulations. Your first feature in the London paper. And it couldn’t be better publicity for what we are trying to do here. Thank you. Thank you, Sam. It means a lot—to all of us.’

  Sam tilted his head sideways and grinned. ‘My pleasure. And don’t make me out to be some kind of hero—it’s my job to spot a great story and run with it.’

  Then her face relaxed into a smile. ‘Of course. You were simply being a professional reporter. So the girls didn’t have any effect on you at all. Of course they didn’t. You were just doing your job.’

  He nudged her with his elbow and she nudged him back.

  ‘What does it feel like to be a feature writer at long last, oh, great journalist?’

  ‘It feels okay. No. Better than okay. It feels grand. Just grand.’

  He took a breath. ‘There is one thing. Frank gave me a heads up on a couple of rumours flying around the Internet that you have just spent time in hospital in Boston recently.’

  The cool breeze on Amber’s shoulders suddenly felt icy and threatening.

  Boston. Of course. Someone had tipped off the newspapers. Probably one of the hospital team back in Boston. Heath had warned her that she wouldn’t be able to keep her hospital visit a secret for long and it looked as though he was right.

  Great.

  She inhaled slowly, then pushed down hard on the log.

  His whole body stilled and he reached out and took her hand in his. ‘You are still underweight, still pale despite this glorious sunshine and the other day I felt every one of your ribs. And yes, I know how hard you are working to make this new school possible before the rainy season, but there is more to it than that. Isn’t there?’

  Amber looked into Sam’s face and saw genuine concern in his blue eyes. It was almost as if he was scared of hearing her answer.

  Squaring her shoulders, she stared directly into his eyes and said, ‘They are right, I was being treated for an infectious disease, but I am absolutely fine now.’ She rushed on as Sam tensed up. ‘Seriously. I had the all clear before I left London and don’t need to take any more antibiotics.’

  Then she paused and licked her lips.

  ‘Amber. Just make it fast and tell me. Because my imagination is going wild here and you are killing me. Just how bad was it?’

  Taking a deep breath, she met his gaze head-on. This was it. This was what the whole interview jag had been building up to. ‘It was bad,’ she whispered, her whole body trembling with the emotion and the relief that came with finally being able to tell him the secret that she had been keeping from him. She turned her head and rested her forehead against his, feeling his hot, moist skin against hers and soaking up the strength she needed to say the words.

  ‘The last time I came to Kerala I caught meningitis. And I almost died, Sam. I almost died.’

  FOURTEEN

  The sound of motorised rickshaws and the relentless battle of car horns and truck engines from the village road rumbled across the beach towards Amber and Sam but she did not hear them. She was way too busy fighting to keep breathing, as she desperately scanned his face, which was pale and white with shock.

  Sam turned sideways, lowered his body onto the log next to her and stretched out his long legs, his arms out in front of him, hands locked together, his chin down almost to his chest.

  One side of his throat was lit rosy pink by the fading sun as he twisted his body around from the waist to face her, apparently oblivious to the damage he was causing to his trousers, which stretched to accommodate the muscled thighs below.

  The look on that face was so pained, so tortured and so intense that Amber could barely look at him for fear that she would burn up in the heat.

  They sat in silence for a few seconds but she could hear each slow, heavy quivering breath that he took, his chest heaving as his lungs fought to gain control.

  His fingers reached across and took hers and held them tight to his chest, forcing her to look up into his face.

  ‘Oh, Amber,’ he said, his pale blue eyes locked onto her face, his voice low and intense, anxious. ‘Why didn’t you tell me that you had been so ill?’ Then he exhaled very, very slowly. ‘You knew where I was working. All you had to do was ask Heath or one of your friends to lift the phone and I would have flown over to see you. Spent time with you. Help you through it, read you books, tell you crazy stories and the latest gossip from Hollywood. Anything. Anything at all.’

  She swallowed down hard and took a long juddering breath. ‘You would?’

  ‘In a heartbeat, you foolish, stubborn woman,’ Sam answered with a faint smile, and reached up and stroked a strand of her hair back ove
r her ear, his fingertips gently caressing her forehead as he did so.

  His touch was so tender and so very gentle that Amber almost surrendered to the exhaustion that keeping her secret from Sam had caused.

  ‘You might be right about the stubborn bit. I had intended to tell you before you left,’ she whispered through a throat that felt as though she had swallowed a handful of sharp gravel, ‘but there never seemed to be a good time. But I had to be sure, Sam. Really sure, before I told anyone the truth.’

  ‘Sure of what? That I would do a good job telling your story? Or that you could trust me enough to be honest with me?’

  His brows screwed together and for a terrifying moment Amber thought that he was going to jump up and walk out on her. But instead, Sam closed his eyes and when he opened them she was stunned to see a faint gleam of moisture in the corners.

  Moisture she was responsible for putting there by her selfish behaviour.

  And the sight sucked the air from her lungs, rendering her speechless.

  ‘That was why you decided to retire,’ Sam said, his gaze scanning her face.

  All she could do was nod slowly in reply. ‘I was already back in Boston when I collapsed. I don’t remember breaking my wrist when I fell over my suitcases. And I only have snatches from that first week in the hospital. I think I scared the hell out of Heath.’

  ‘I’m not surprised. You are doing a pretty good job with me right now,’ Sam replied with a tremble in his voice that she had never heard before.

  ‘The doctors told him that I was in danger for the first twenty-four hours—but when I was in the ambulance I made Heath promise not to tell anyone. This was one time I did not want the media following every second of my life. I couldn’t hide the fact that I had broken my wrist—but I could hide the fact that I broke it when I collapsed. I don’t want the world to feel sorry for me. Pity me. Can you understand that?’

  ‘Not a bit. Why not?’ Suddenly Sam’s voice switched from desperate and sad to excited and enthusiastic. ‘Let me tell the world how you survived this trauma and came out of the other side with a new purpose in life. That’s an amazing story. Inspiring. You could do a lot of good for the children’s home if you went out and promoted it.’

  ‘Promoted? You mean talking about the trauma of those weeks in hospital on TV chat shows and breakfast television? No. Not for me, Sam. I’m done with talking about how great I am. Because I don’t feel brave or inspiring or any of those things.’

  She dropped her head backwards, closed her eyes and inhaled slowly several times before going on. ‘I remember the afternoon I was discharged from hospital and Heath drove me to his house and I looked out of the window in awe and astonishment. The colours were so vibrant it made me glad to be alive. The air smelled wonderful, fresh, clean, invigorating—especially compared to the hospital. Everything looked amazing, as though I was seeing the streets and the cars and even Heath’s old stone house for the very first time.’

  Amber raised her hand then dropped it again onto Sam’s lap. ‘And waiting for me was all of the clutter and admin and mess of details that comes with being a public performer.’

  She shrugged. ‘And do you know what? I didn’t want any of it. The little things didn’t matter any longer. All that mattered was being with my friends again. Living my life the way I want. In a world full of colour and hope and laughter and enthusiasm for life. That was what mattered to me now. And I knew that was not in Boston with Heath in stifling luxury, or in Paris with my dad and his new family, or in Miami with my mother on a cruise ship somewhere.’

  Amber winced and pinched off a flower blossom from the tree by her side and inhaled the fragrance. ‘I wanted to go where I felt at home and loved and welcome. I wanted to come here. Doing what my heart tells me is right, and not what other people and my fears tell me to do. Not any longer.’

  Sam shook his head. ‘I cannot believe that you came back. Hell, Amber, the same thing could happen again. Or there could be another tropical disease.’

  ‘Or I could get knocked over by a London bus. It happens. And I’m okay with that—because this is where I want to be, Sam. This makes me happy.’

  Her fingertips stroked his cheek before she tapped him on the end of his nose. ‘I could have woken up with permanent brain damage or deafness, but I didn’t. I don’t know what I am going to do with the rest of my life but I know that I cannot go back to the life I had been living. I am so grateful for every new day that I am alive.’

  She gestured towards the coconut palms. ‘I have a roof over my head and food I can pick off the trees if I get hungry. And there is enough work here to last a lifetime.’

  ‘You want to stay here? For good?’ Sam asked with a look of total astonishment and disbelief.

  ‘I’ve decided that I want to be happy. I choose to be happy. Whatever problems I have in my own life—sharing the magic and beauty of music with these girls and seeing the glow of excitement in my students’ eyes makes everything worthwhile again. Small gestures. A hug. A smile. A kiss. A surprise when they are least expecting it. That is how I want to spend my life.’

  Amber stopped talking and grinned at him as Sam sighed in exasperation.

  ‘And I have you to thank for all of this, Sam. Now, don’t look so surprised. Remember what you said over lunch at the penthouse? You challenged me to come here for Parvita’s wedding and somehow I found the courage to take that first step and make it happen. Thank you. It’s been a long journey, Sam.’

  ‘Right back at you. We’ve both come a long way to get to this place.’

  Then he looked around him, from the coconut palms to the beach, and laughed out loud. ‘And what a place. You always did have great taste, girl, but this would take some beating. In fact, this village had got me thinking.’

  ‘And I thought the burning smell was from the road. What are those trucks burning? Cooking oil?’

  ‘Funny girl. And yes, they might be burning cooking oil, but actually I was thinking more along the lines of a series of articles about regional development and the culture of Southern India. What do you think? It could be a winner and the paper would cover all of the costs. Providing, of course, I could find someone who was willing to put me up around here. Know any local hotels or guest houses?’

  Sam was so close that all she could focus on was the gentle rise and fall of his chest and the caress of the warm breeze on her skin. Time fell still so that she could capture the moment.

  ‘What do you say, Amber?’ he asked, his pale blue eyes smiling into hers, and with just a touch of anxiety in his voice. ‘Could you put up with me if I came back here to stay for a while? Say yes. Say that you will let me be part of your life. And you know that I am not just talking about a few weeks. I want to be with you for the long haul.’

  Say yes to having Sam in her life? Here in India at the school?

  ‘Are you sure?’ she asked, her voice hoarse and almost a whisper. ‘I thought that your life was going to be in the London office from now on. It’s your dream job. Don’t you want that editor’s chair any more?’

  Sam replied by sliding his long, strong, clever fingers between hers and locking them there. Tight. His smile widened as his gaze scanned her face as though he was looking for something, and he must have found it because his grin widened into an expression of such joy and happiness that was so infectious that she had to smile in return.

  ‘A clever woman has shown me that it is possible to go beyond your dream and never stop following your passion until you know what you finally want. I like that idea. I like it a lot. Almost as much as I like those girls of yours.’

  He snorted out loud. ‘You never thought that you would hear me admit to loving kids. But there is something about this place. And about you, Amber DuBois. In fact, this might not be the comfiest chair I have ever sat on,’ Sam said as he patted the log, ‘but I do know what I want. And I’m looking at what I want at this very minute.’

  And just to make sure that she got the message
, Sam bent forward and tapped her on the end of the nose with the soft pad of his forefinger.

  ‘That’s you, by the way,’ he said in a voice that could have melted an iceberg, ‘in case you’re not keeping up.’ And then he sat back up straight and winked at her.

  Amber blinked and tried to take it all in.

  The school.

  Her dream.

  Her Sam.

  This was a chance of happiness with this man who she thought she had lost ten years ago. This amazing man who had come back into her life only a few weeks ago, and yet at that moment she felt even more connected to him than she had ever done before.

  She felt as though they were two parts of one whole heart and soul. She had known happiness in her music and her teaching but nothing compared to this.

  Could she do it? Could she take him back and take a risk on heartbreak?

  Sam was holding her dream out to her, and all she had to do was say yes and it would be hers.

  And that thought was so overwhelming she faltered.

  Amber inhaled a deep breath and tried to keep calm, which was rather difficult when Sam was only inches away from her, the fine blue linen of his shirt pressed against her tunic, begging her to hold him and kiss him and never let him go.

  ‘Why me? We tried to be together once before and it didn’t work. And we both know how hard long distance relationships can be.’

  Amber let out a long slow breath as his fingertips moved over her forehead and ran down through her hair, sliding off her hair barrette before coming to rest on her shoulder.

  ‘You’re right. We would be spending time apart. But it would be worth it.’

  His forehead pressed against hers. ‘You are the only woman I want in my life. I lost you once, Amber. I can’t stand the idea of losing you again.’

  ‘I know. And I want you too. Very much. It’s just...’

  ‘Just what—go on. Please, I want to know what is holding you back and what I can do to help you.’

  ‘It has taken me ten years to build up all of these heavy barriers around my heart to protect it from being broken again by being rejected and abandoned. You were the only man that I ever let into my world. The only one. I fell in love with your passion and your fire and I was pulled towards you like a moth to a flame. Rico and Mark had that same spark and I knew that I could get burnt, but I couldn’t help but be drawn to them. You had ruined me for ordinary men, and I have only just realised it. I want to give you my heart, Sam. Truly. I do. But I’m scared that it would never recover if it was broken again this time. That’s why I’m scared of making this leap.’