The First Crush Is the Deepest Page 15

  ‘All or nothing. It’s the same for me. So here is the plan. We both know what hard work is like. So we work at our relationship and make our love part of the joy we find in everything that we do. We might not be in the same room or even the same country but we would still be together. We can make this work. I believe it.’

  ‘All or nothing. Oh, Sam.’

  Suddenly it was all too much too soon to take in.

  She looked across at the new school building and was instantly transported into what life could be like. The school. Her concerts. And then, maybe, the tantalising prospect of playing with the girls in the lovely garden of the orphanage with Sam by her side.

  By reaching up and taking hold of Sam’s hand in hers, she managed to regain some control of herself before words were possible. His fingers meshed into hers, and he raised one hand to his lips and gently kissed her wrinkly dry-skinned knuckles before replying.

  ‘I know a good opportunity when I see one and, from what I’ve seen, we would make a great team. You can do this, Amber. You can teach and run this school. I know you can.’

  The pressure in her chest was almost too much to bear as she looked into his face and saw that he meant it. He believed in her!

  ‘You would do that? You would fly back to India just to be with me now and then?’

  ‘If it meant I could be with you and the girls? In a heartbeat. You are bound to spend some time in London, especially over the monsoon season. And the rest of the time we have these amazing new-fangled technical inventions which mean that I can see you and talk to you any time I want. In fact I intend to make myself the biggest pest you could imagine.’

  His presence was so powerful, so dominating, that she slid her fingers away from below his and pushed herself off the log and onto the hot sand on unsteady legs. Sam was instantly on his feet and his fingers meshed with hers and held them to his own chest as it rose and fell under her palm.

  She forced herself to look up into his face, and what she saw there took her breath away. Any doubt that this man cared about her flashed away in an instant.

  No pity, no excuses, no apologies. Just a smouldering inner fire. Focused totally on her. She could sense the pressure. Trembling, hesitant, but loving.

  He was the flame that had set her world on fire. Nothing would ever be the same again.

  Which was why she said the only words she could.

  ‘Yes, Sam. Yes. You are the only man I want in my life—the only man that I have ever wanted in my life. I want you and I need you and I never want us to be torn apart again. Never again. Do you understand that?’

  Sam looked into those perfect violet-blue eyes which were brimming with tears of joy and happiness and fell in love all over again. All of the clever and witty things he had intended to say to make her laugh and look at him drifted away onto the sea breeze, taking doubt and apprehension with them.

  This was it. He had finally found a woman he wanted to be with. As a girl, Amber had taught him what the overwhelming power of love could be like. But Amber the woman was a revelation. She was so beautiful his breath caught in his throat just at the sight of her.

  And now this woman, this stunning, clever, open and giving woman, had just told him that she wanted to be with him as much as he wanted to be with her.

  And, for once, words failed him.

  How could he have known that the path to happiness led right back to the first girl that he had ever kissed and meant it? How ironic was that?

  Frank Evans and that editor’s desk were not important any longer.

  All that mattered was this woman, looking at him with tears in her eyes. This was where he wanted to be. Needed to be. With Amber.

  He dared not speak and break the magic of that moment, that precious link that bound him to Amber for this tiny second in time. But he could move closer, closer, to that stunning face. Those eyes filled with the love and tenderness he had only imagined was destined for other men. And now she was here. And he loved her. This was no teenage crush but a tsunami of love which was more shocking and startling but destined to last.

  He. Loved. Her.

  Finally. It had happened. He had known lust and attraction. But the sensation was so deep and overwhelming that the great loner Sam Richards floundered.

  He was in love.

  The lyrics of every love song he had ever heard suddenly made perfect sense.

  Without thinking, his hands moved slowly up from her arm to her throat, to cradle her soft and fragile face, gently, his fingers spreading out wide. As her eyes closed at his touch, he had to blink away his own tears as he moved closer, so that his body was touching hers, his nose pressed against her cheek, his mouth nuzzling her upper lip, as his fingers moved back to clasp the back of her head, drawing her closer to him.

  She smelt of every perfume shop he had ever been into, blended with spice and vanilla and something in her hair. Coconut. The overall effect was more than intoxicating; he wanted to capture it for ever, bottle it so that he could relive this moment in time whenever he wanted.

  And then her mouth was pressing hotter and hotter into his, his pulse racing to match hers. Her hand was on his chest, then around his neck, caressing his skin at the base of his skull so gently he thought he would go mad with wanting her, needing her to know how much he cared.

  Maybe that was why he broke away first, leaning back just far enough so that he could stroke the glint of tears away from her cheeks with the pads of his thumbs.

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me that you were still recovering from meningitis when you came to my dad’s garage in London? I could have swept you away to a long holiday in California.’

  Amber grinned despite the turmoil inside her heart. ‘Each day is a new day for me. A new start. It could have been a lot worse. Instead of which, I am here with you. Who needs a holiday? I am just grateful to be in one more or less working piece.’

  She pressed her head into his shoulder as his arms wrapped around her body, revelling in the touch of his hands on her skin, the softness of his shirt on her cheek, and the way his hand moved to caress her hair.

  ‘Me too. I understand that you want your independence. I get that. But when you need help, you have to know that I am right here. I am not going anywhere without you in my life.’

  He was kissing her now, pressing his soft lips over and over again against her throat, and tilting his head so he could reach the sensitive skin on her collarbone without crushing her plastered wrist and hand.

  His mouth slid slowly against her hot, moist skin and nuzzled away at the shoulder strap of her dress. Her eyes closed and she leant back just a little further, arching her back against his strong arm, which had slid down her back to her hips.

  Amber stopped breathing and inwardly screamed in frustration when his lips slid away and she could no longer inhale his spicy aromatic scent.

  His hot breath still warmed the skin on one side of her neck, and she knew that he was watching her. And her heart and mind sang.

  Amber closed her eyes tight shut and focused on the sound of her own breathing. Only it was rather difficult when the man she wanted to be with was holding her so lovingly.

  Tempting her. Tempting her so badly she could taste it. She wanted him just as much as he wanted her.

  His voice was hoarse, low, intense and warm with laughter and affection, and something much more fundamental.

  ‘I have an idea.’

  ‘Umm,’ was all she could manage. His fingers were still moving in wide circles on her back.

  ‘Let’s hold our own private concert. Just the two of us. Your place is closer. I’m sure the girls would understand. But, one way or another, we need to get off this beach before we get arrested for bad behaviour and setting a bad example for the girls.’

  The girls! The concert!

  Amber opened her eyes, shook her head once from side to side and chuckled into his shoulder. ‘Are you mad? They would never forgive us! I promised them a little Mozart if they had done thei
r piano practice.’

  Then she raised her eyebrows coquettishly as Sam groaned in disappointment.

  ‘Maybe—’ she took a breath ‘—you could escort me home afterwards, Mr Richards?’

  The air escaped from his lungs in a slow, shuddering hot breath against her forehead, and he lowered both hands to her waist.

  ‘It would be my pleasure. Do you think they would notice if we skipped dessert? My stomach is not used to those syrupy sweets yet.’

  ‘That sounds wonderful. Although I will have to insist on having an early night.’

  The brilliant grin grew wider, although she could still sense the thumping of his heart in tune with hers. ‘I’m sure we could manage that.’

  Then the reality of what he was asking hit her hard. ‘Oh, I’m sorry, Sam. I completely forgot. I arranged a meeting with the local governors after the concert. They are keen to organise some legal guardians for the new babies who are still being brought in every week. They are so adorable I’m tempted to offer to put my name down. But that wouldn’t be fair on them with my life being so unsettled at the moment. Looks like I shall have to wait to have my own children.’

  As soon as the words left her mouth, she regretted them. ‘But we have a few hours tomorrow before you fly back, and I’ll be in London in a few weeks. The time will fly by.’

  The man who had been holding her so lovingly, unwilling to let her move out of his touch, stepped back. Moved away. Not physically, but emotionally.

  The precious moment was gone. Trampled to fragments.

  His face closed down before her eyes. The warmth was gone, and she cursed herself for being so clumsy. She had lost him.

  It took her a few seconds to form the words of the question she had to ask, but was almost too afraid what the answer would be.

  ‘You don’t want children, do you?’ Her voice quivered just enough to form the syllables, but she held her breath until he answered.

  Sam shook his head slowly as his chin dropped so their foreheads were touching. His breath was hot against her skin as the words came stumbling out. ‘No, my darling, I have never wanted a family. I want you, and only you. Can you understand that?’

  Amber took a slow breath and squeezed her eyes tight shut, blinking away the tears. ‘And I want you. So very much. I had given up hope of ever finding someone to love. Only I so want to have children of my own. You would be a wonderful father, Sam, and I know that we could make a family. Besides, you’re forgetting one big thing. We aren’t our parents. We’re us. And we can make our own happiness. I just know it.’

  ‘A family? Oh, Amber.’

  ‘I saw you working with the girls, Sam,’ Amber replied with a smile. ‘You were wonderful and I know that any child would be lucky to have you as their dad.’

  His back straightened and he drew back, physically holding her away from him. Her hands slid down his arms, desperate to hold onto the intensity of their connection, and her words babbled out in confusion and fear.

  ‘Let’s not talk about it now. You are going to have a busy few days at the paper. And your dad will be back from holiday. That is something for you to look forward to.’

  He turned away from her now, and looked out onto the shore and the distant horizon, one hand still firmly clasped around hers.

  ‘Children need stability and love. I saw what happened when my parents divorced and so did you. The kids always suffer when a relationship breaks down and I would hate that to happen to us.’

  The bitterness in his voice was such a contrast to the loving man she had just been holding. The world stilled, and the temperature of the air seemed to cool, as though a cold wind had blown between them.

  She stepped back and wrapped her arm around her waist, closing down, moving away from the hot flames that would burn her up if she kissed him again, held him close to her again.

  ‘Oh, Sam. Are you really telling me that you don’t believe that we could stay together and make our marriage work?’

  ‘I love you so much and I don’t want to lose you. But I can’t wipe away twenty years of resentment in a few days. Maybe you’re right but it’s going to take me a lot longer than that. We have each other. We don’t need a piece of paper or children to make us a couple. You are all I need.’

  She raised both of her hands in the air so that Sam couldn’t grab hold of them.

  ‘You’re breaking my heart, Sam. Is it wrong to give a child a loving home with two parents, in this hard and cruel world? Can’t you see that is part of my new dream?’

  ‘Amber! I need some time.’

  She paused and spoke very slowly, with something in her voice he had never heard before and did not ever want to hear again.

  ‘Oh, don’t worry. I’ll get through the concert tonight and see you off at the airport tomorrow with a smile on my face. I care about you so much, but I have to protect myself from more heartbreak down the road. So it might be best to stop this now. You have your life thousands of miles away, but this in my new home and I don’t want to give it up. If you care about me, then let me go, Sam. Let me go.’

  The only thing that stopped Sam from running after her was the heartbreak in her words and the unavoidable truth that he did care about her enough to stand, frozen, and watch her walk away across the sand.

  FIFTEEN

  From: Amber@AmberDuBois.net

  To: Kate@LondonBespokeTailoring.com;

  Saskia@ElwoodHouse.co.uk

  Subject:

  Sam left this morning. And I miss him. So very much. Can’t talk about it. A

  Sam waited impatiently in the baggage reclaim area as more bags were unloaded from his flight. He slung his laptop bag over one shoulder and rolled back his shoulders as the time difference and lack of sleep started to kick in.

  The huge echoing hall was jam packed with families and people of all shapes and sizes from his flight, all jostling to find their luggage and get back to their normal lives.

  He closed his eyes for a moment, then blinked them open again. He was used to air travel—that was part of his job, but that didn’t mean to say that he liked it.

  Especially not tonight.

  It was hard to believe that only sixteen hours earlier he had been sitting on the beach looking out over the ocean with the morning sun on his face and the colour and life and energy of India whizzing around him. Now he was back in this white, cold, sterile land in a city of stone and glass which he called home.

  And he had never felt as lonely in his life.

  Amber had kept her word and travelled with him to the airport but her forced smile and tense face only served to make him feel even more uncomfortable and awkward. Their easy friendliness and connection felt strained to the point of snapping completely.

  When he wrapped his arms around her to kiss her goodbye, Amber’s gentle tears had almost broken his resolve. It would have been so easy to forget all about the flight and the London job and find some way of working as a freelance in India. Other people did it and so could he.

  But how would that change the way he felt? Staying would only prolong the agony for both of them. It was up to him to have the strength to walk away.

  Over the past ten restless hours in the cramped aircraft seat where sleep was impossible, he had come to the conclusion that Amber was the strong one. She had the courage to change her life for the better and do something remarkable that she was passionate about, and he couldn’t be more proud of her. He counted himself lucky to know her. Care about her. Love her.

  He had loved working with those girls at the orphanage. Loved being part of Amber’s life and sharing her world.

  The fact that she actually cared about him in return was something he was still trying to deal with.

  So what was the problem?

  He was scared of not being worthy of her love.

  Scared about not being the man and husband she wanted and needed.

  He was scared of letting her down.

  He cared enough for her to leave her and walk
away from the pain he would cause if he stayed—but he already missed her more than he’d ever thought possible. An Amber-shaped hole had formed in his heart and the only person who could fill it was thousands of miles away, teaching little girls how to make music.

  A huge over-stuffed suitcase nudged his foot and Sam turned around to see a gorgeous toddler grinning up at him, followed by a laughing man about his age who swung the giggling child up into his arms and hugged him and hugged him again then apologised profusely but Sam let it go with a smile and jogged forwards to grab his bag off the belt before it went around again.

  He had to smile because at that moment his throat was so tight he wouldn’t have been able to talk even if he had wanted to.

  That was the life that he had turned his back on.

  He glanced back over one shoulder. A pretty pregnant blonde girl had her arm looped around her lucky partner’s waist. And just for a second she looked like Amber, and his heart contracted at the sight of her.

  Amber wanted to be a mother so much. And she would be.

  How was he going to feel when another man had made her his wife and given her children, when he knew that Amber had loved him and offered him her life and her soul?

  And he had turned down the chance of a family life with the only woman he had ever loved. Why?

  The answer screamed back at him so loudly that he was surprised that the other passengers didn’t hear it above the sound of the tannoy.

  Because he was a coward.

  Which made him the biggest fool in the world.